Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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