you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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