he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
