Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
