I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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