if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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