You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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