Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
