Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
