Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
