one word: firstdatebathroomanal
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
