On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
