i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
