when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Hippo gnu deer
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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