I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
