end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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