I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
