There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
