watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
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