and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
