Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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