Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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