You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
