Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
