I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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