I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
