Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
