I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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