i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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