You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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