A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
