I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
