i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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