walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
