His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
