Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
