the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
