I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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