I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
