dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
