conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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