just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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