I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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