he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
