my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
