i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
