I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
