I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
