It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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