I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
