i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
